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How do I deal with the pain? (posted to "Ask Papabear")
Dear Papabear (this is a copy of what I wrote him).  This is why I have somewhat given up taking commisions on fursuits.  The issue with the eyes on Dagnabbit Rabbit is a trigger of the current bout of depression and inability to work on fursuits as an example.  I'll get back to working on it one of these days!

Whenever I go to an online furry site or other where there is a chance of a link or notice or photo of someone fursuiting showing up (yep, includes the depression causing Facebook!!), I from time to time make the mistake of looking at or clicking links to various fursuiting photos or videos.  Often hard to avoid postings occur too.

So I've taken to try to NOT go to those sites and unsubscribed to a lot of email groups too that are furry related.  Often that action is confused by others as "leaving the furry community" or "not wanting to be a furry anymore".  Feh!  Can't take the furry out of me or keep me from wanting to do furry related things.

But it's how it's so painful for me that is the problem.  It existed even before I made my first fursuit seeing that stuff also was generating emotional pain from jealousy.

I try to not feel the pain, etc.  But as a result of this ridiculous "obsession", I have to avoid triggers.  Yet I need to get out and socialize.  I'm trying to make employment a first priority everyday.  Hopefully then I can get back to going to meets.  I'm also improving my fursuit skills so I can make my own suits about as good as some other fursuit makers.

I was going to pursue taking commissions on fursuit construction when I realized the other day that the "obsession" pain would be just too much until I get a lot of money so I can afford to go to meets & conventions (sadly some would be business trip types, little time to have fun!!  *smile*).  I know it will take months to get a good income going but in the meantime I'll freak out and get way to close to feeling suicidal, etc.  It will also mean way to many days of not being able to do fursuit work much like this last week has been for me!!

Note: my therapy paid by Medicaid (Medi-Cal in Calif.) has run out so I won't get professional help on this for a while.

How do I deal with it?  Get it under control enough so I can either make fursuits or other?  It's so hard to deal with obsessions like this!!

I know I've asked similar questions of you before as I've looked up previous "Ask Papabear" but this is more specific. The 'choice' to not fursuit solo or even pursue local friends is a choice on my part due to my dire financial (etc.) circumstances.  So I cannot even go to meets.  It's complicated and a long story on that.  So that is not an option.

And my deafness complicates some activities at that and fancy new hearing aids I have just don't help!  So it's all so very difficult in the first place to socialize.

But somehow I need to control this "obsession" issue relating to fursuiting.  It sucks I have not been able to find someone to go fursuiting with me locally.  I even tried to organize meets and no one showed up!!

I am still working on my "long windedness" but I need to focus on other things so editing what I write is asking too much!  Sorry!!  :p

So, how do I deal with it?  How do I control my feelings but without becoming jaded about our "hobby" / "recreational activity" as it might be generically called?!

*cowardly lion whimpers*

Fursuit work journal for 4/27/13
Saturday did not go well, I did get the fur fixed on the FedFox muzzle, but moved on to adding the black fox markings on the muzzle and trying out an idea I had on helping Excelsior to look more "lion" / feline.  The plan was a very modest darkening of two "cry lines" of sorts to help the middle of the muzzle to stand out similar to a real lion.

All I had was regular Rustoleum (?) spray paint but masked the area carefully, and tried to spray very, very lightly.  FAIL  Came out full black somehow.  Ruined the fur so I have to fix it when I can, try other things.

Also the first time someone mentioned the design as being like a "plushie" fursuit which never occurred to me.  Instead of going for toony style if I had focused on plushie style, it might have worked out a lot better.  The head shape was difficult for me to get right being my first fursuit head.  I keep fixing it making changes that should help it look more like a lion than a bear.

Just tweeks to the old fursuit head at this time.  But still it's looking better bit by bit.

Rabbit head:
This is going to be a carefully done exhibit of my talents to date so I can have something to show potential clients so I can get commissions.  BUT I realized Saturday night that without a decent hair trimmer, I can't do good short areas on the fur when I fur the head!

I'm now worried I can't get it right until much later when I get a decent hair trimmer as well as other tools.  So it won't be good enough to demonstrate my skills so I can't earn the money as of yet except by making a few furry parts like tails, hand paws, whatever.  But no head and no short fur areas shaved into the long fur such as palms of hand paws need some shaving where as the same fur remains long on the back of the hands.  I don't know what to do!

Fursuit work journal for 4/26/13
animated gif
Hmmm.  I keep forgetting to log my fursuit work here.  I'm not using FA for that anymore as it's not very good for it as a daily journal.

So hopefully I'll remember here, it documents the work I've done though photos will be lacking at this stage of the game.

Work done to date:
Rebuilt the foot paws to a better shape and taller stiffer via buckram shafts.  Bottoms of fursuit changed now to hang on the outside of the foot paws shafts much like other fursuits do.

New dark brown hand paws done to match the foot paws since the white tipped tan hand paws from before got dirty and stained too easily from basic use.  New ones are better designed and closer to my good 5 finger design to use for customers with my custom made claws.

Added some fur to arms and legs to change to overlapping design with new hand paws and redone foot paws.

Installed EL string in eyes to go with illuminated whiskars in head.  Now the length of the muzzle is bothering me and I want to rebuild that part since I won't have money for materials to make a new Excelsior head.

Got some more long dark brown fur for the mane and expanded it's size.  Also blocked off bottom of muzzle that used to be open for airflow and to put things up to my mouth.  Looks much better now.  Reworked the ears a bit but not replaced with better designs.

Federation Fox:
Added some fur to arms and legs to change to overlapping design using scrap furs.  This fursuit is a jumble and is used to experiment and learn about fur and color choices.  I can make mistakes on it and learn from it.  Generally not expected to be worn in public.

Foot paws used to have removable shoes but there were difficulties with that.  I've now experimented with gluing in western boots known as ropers which gives it a stiff shaft to pull the leg fur over to create the overlap.  Looks better now.

Hand paws remain about the same.  Also uses the sleeve over the fur overlap design.

But the head was bothering me a lot with it's lousy design.  It's been rebuilt to practice doing better work.  First was making new eyes using buckram I got online, then re-furring the muzzle and separately the top of the head.  A third try at ears has been done and am more satisfied with the new ones.

But the teeth I made last time were awful as well as problems with the moving jaw.  That's been rebuilt with newer elastic & frame for hinges to improve it.  It used to be free floating.

I've torn out the old lips and teeth to make new ones.  I've made new lips and have glued them in place yesterday and am finishing up that work today.  Next up will be the new teeth after I make a pattern from the new mouth to get the teeth to the right size and such to look better.

Still to be done: some reworking the fur around the new lips to help it blend better.  New teeth and mouth linings.

Test installing an old pair of glasses since this balaclava style head makes putting it on with my good glasses a big problem.  I'm working on that and am tempted to split the balaclava and sew it to the fur's zipper.  Not sure if that's the right thing to do so it should remain as is since it's comfortable!

I forgot about my LiveJournal.  I signed up to way too many places to write journals and such.  I'm not sure what to put here.

Fur Affinity is my fursuit making BLOG.
FaceBook is just furry things or daily but hopefully positive stuff only.
Wordpress on my website is mostly my diatribes, rants, and venting like stuff since it's not well received elsewhere.  And mental health subjects too.
DeviantArt site is where I journal on my artwork if I ever get back into it.
Google+ is my professional oriented stuff mostly programming.

Other subjects aren't worth their own journal that I know of.

Dead subjects so no need to journal:
Model Railroading - not able to do much
Employment - still a long way off

Cold Turkey
Hmmmm, sounds like a 'furry' title!

Anyway I'm going back on a hiatus from furry to try to wean me off of the addiction to furry.

See what happens. From what I hear about the recovery process from addictions it's going to be miserable.

I will blog about it on my personal blog at my website: http://randolph-garrett.com/blog

Look for me there. Hopefully I'll keep it up to date. ta-ta for now.

I'm not even sure I should post here on LJ!  It's a 'furry' account so as per the therapist I should avoid furry related websites, messages, and activities for a week to clear my head.

So my journal / log / whatever probably should not be posted here?!  So hopefully I'll go "silent" for a while.

Happy birthday fellow furry!
Happy Birthday Groggyfox!

I'm still not able to make the Fremont bowling but I hope to in the future.

I hope you guys have a great time tonight!

And a Happy Birthday Hug from da ol' lion!

bad news
The guy who owns the house is being taken back to the hospital yet again.  One of the EMTs said that the owner might not be coming back home again which has scared the hell out of me.  Which means I'll be homeless again.  I don't have money to move or anything let alone find a place I can live.  I'm in pain but it's not certain yet what will happen and when.

I post most of my happenings on FurAffinity and Facebook.  But here makes sense to do so as well but by copy & paste sometimes.

http://youtu.be/ARu7IGITAp4 video by Kijani Lion had me sobbing today!  I got a chance to do a little bit of that at the Leo's Mini-golf in Milpitas Saturday.  It was absolutely wonderful!  A fantastic event and fantastic fun!  I'm smiling so hard I'm afraid my head would crack!

Before going I was in a horrible deep blue funk / depression.  I could not do anything.  They my dear friend Zoren Manray offered to pick me up and take me there and pay the entry fee which I cannot afford at this time.

Furries have been for me a god send!  I so dearly love being a furry and to go fursuiting!

John Headley passed away
He was the founder of Yardbirds hardware stores in the SF Bay Area.  Mom and I worked for them many, many years.

I'm very saddened and in pain from his passing.  There aren't many folks and things left from my past living in Sonoma County.  So much has changed.  It's like a piece of my history died.  Something like that, it's hard to put into words.  I wish I could go to today's funeral for him but I don't have the money.


This is non-furry so I'm trying to keep from noting it in my FurAffinity account.